Blurred Thought

A Message to the Women We Love

A Message to the Women We Love
* If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.

* Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

* Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair.

* Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again.

* If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.

* Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

* Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation or monster trucks.

* Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

* Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

* When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

* You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

* Crying is blackmail.

* Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

* Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

* No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

* Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

* Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

* Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

* A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

* Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

* Check your oil. Please.

* Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

* If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

* Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway, it's genetic.

* You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done -- not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

* Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

* The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends - like THEIR relationship is SO MUCH better.

* ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. Fuchsia, however, is extremely ugly. Do not wear it.

* We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

* If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

* Don't fake it. He'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

* Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

* Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

* If you keep asking for flowers, it can never be a surprise when you get them.

* If he ever sees you kiss another girl and you appear to enjoy it, he'll remember that moment until he's been dead for 1,000 years.

* The best things in life may be free, but chances are they also have something to do with sex.

posted by TheBlurredOne at 8:40 AM